The Greatest Secret
by Shou-Hato
Summary: Voldemort is bored for the first time in his life, so he tries to enjoy a very embarassing secret, along other secrets stashed in his embarassing-secret-filled room. Semi-Crack.


This fanfic is my first in the Harry Potter fandom, and one I'm not sure I'll write much in.

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For the first time in his life, Lord Voldemort, killer of all killers, murderer of all murderers, villain of all villains, loved bad guy of all loved bad guys, hottest villain of all hot villains, the awesomest of awesome, the evilest of evil, was bored. 

Yes, you heard right, _bored._

_Bored._

The_ Dark Lord_… was _bored._

Boredom. Being bored… The Dark Lord was a very busy man who didn't really have a life beside killing muggles, laughing evily, having fangirls, being awesomely evil, planning evil things, doing evil things, and thus he never truly experienced this little weird feeling that called itself boredom. He was so inhuman; he always wondered what boredom was like… he never really experienced the feeling for a long, long time.

And Boredom was truly the most horrifying experience he ever had. Boredom was the worst, the nastiest, the most awful, the scariest, the most unnatural, and the very most horrible emotion Voldemort ever experienced. The Wizard knew that there were a lot of muggles that probably felt it on a daily basis, and right now, he wanted more than anything to be like them (even though it would completely break the very purpose of his existence), and feel used to boredom. Right now, the Dark Lord was wondering how exactly was someone capable of being bored.

It was _that_ devastating.

Voldemort once again went over his To-Do list to make sure he had something to do:

_1. Laugh __Evilly_

_2. Seduce Bellatrix._

_3. Kill someone._

_4. Sleep._

The latter was something he miserably failed trying and attempted it anyway just so he can learn to sleep. Yes, Voldemort didn't know how to sleep. He was _that _inhuman.

Sleeping was boring, anyway. He discovered it while trying. He always wondered why Muggles did it anyway… oh yeah, it was to gain energy, but what was the problem with drinking the mysterious brown liquid they called 'Coffee'? Was it because the taste was so disgusting? Of course, it really depended on the person who made the coffee… The Dark Lord was never much of a cook.

_5. Try Kill Potter Again._

_6. Rant._

_7. Try Sleeping Again._

_8. Make Evil Plans._

_9. Be Awesome._

_10. Rule ._

_11. Own your soul._

_12. Rock the world._

The latter four were way to obvious, so obvious, the writer of the list wondered why he put them on the list. After all, he _already _rocked, he was already awesome , he already rocked and owned you, the reader's soul. He was just the best thing ever.

_13. Ummm…._

_14. Write something on this list._

_15. Be awesome than I already am. I rule! _

_16. Enjoy a good hour of" Mu__a__hahahahah!"__-ing and "Buahahahaha__"-ing._

Voldemort felt like ripping the list apart now. He had already done everything on it! Neither less, he kept reading.

_17/ Search that mysterious website for good fanfics that involve me taking over the world._

_18. Be awesome._

_19. Be Awesome __some__ more._

_20. Rule._

_21. Own your soul._

_22. Laugh._

_23. Be Even more Awesome_

Voldemort was so, so, so, so, so, _so,_ **so**, so_**, so**_ _**, so,**__ so_, **so**, _**SO CLOSE **_to ripping the list apart to shreds and enjoy seeing it burn up in flames to never see the annoyance that it is again when the last line caught his eye.

_24. Enjoy my __greatest __secret._

His secret. His mortifying, humiliating, embarrassing, degrading secret. The one he never told anyone, in fear that it would show how everything he says is just a lie. Which it isn't.

Voldemort smiled. If he were to enjoy his secret, he would have to do it very privately. Nobody was to know that he…

_**-----------**_

The awesome, soul-owning Dark Lord walked quietly over to his private room and opened the door. Nobody ever saw what his room really looked like, and he never really planned on showing anyone…

Quietly, The Wizard entered a messy room, filled with Johnny Depp, Paris Hilton and other celebrity, actors, and famous people/bands posters. He hadn't entered his room for a long time, and smiled at the Millions of Johnny Depp posters, that there was more of that any other ones. His grin widened as he walked over to the giant Johnny Depp poster in the middle, and pressed himself against the wall.

"Missed me, Johnny?" He smiled dreamingly. And all this still wasn't his most embarrassing secret. No, his biggest secret was not that he was a Homophobe, not that he loved Muggle's Music, not that he was a Johnny Depp fanboy, not that he read fanfics, not that he had a entire collection of Chimson Chin, Spiderman, Batman, Superman, Other Superhero and Star Wars comic books under his bed, not that… Right, you get the point. His biggest secret was that he…

Voldemort tiptoed quietly to his bed, and there it was, under his mattress. His secret.

A little book titled "Fanfics I found at the Fanfiction. Net website thingy"

He smirked to himself, took out the book and started reading.

"My Lord?"

Voldemort tossed his secret into the air in surprise as a random Death-Eatress that doesn't exist in canon and was just created for the sake of this story entered his room.. She looked in awe at the room and then at Voldemort's secret. She walked over to it and picked it up, looked at the title and her lips spread into a smile.

Voldemort walked up to her and grabbed the book from her hands.

"OUT!" He screamed. "AND IF YOU TELL A SINGLE SOUL, YOU'RE DEAD!"

The Death Eatress nodded quickly as her smile turned into a frown, and as she left she wondered why Voldemort didn't just erase her memory. Probably in "Idiot-in-crack-fanfic" mode. Voldemort sighed and returned to his secret.

Thank goodness she didn't know the title was just a cover up! It wasn't a book filled with fanfics! It was… it was… it was…

Voldemort relaxed and allowed his mind to be focused on the book. He was so relaxed, he didn't notice that he was reading outloud.

'_Amenthyst Ruby blushed, and her boyfriend Loyd Smiled as he planted a kiss on her cheek. " I love you, I love you. I couldn't live without you." He said. She smiled back. "You are my heart." She replied._'

Neither did the Dark Lord realize that the Death Eatress who discovered his secret spilled the beans to everyone already, and his entire team were now standing near the door, giggling as they realized their awesome, mighty, ruling, soul-owning master's biggest secret.

Who knew a person who never believed in love secretly liked cheesy romance novels so much!

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Snape, Dumbeldore and Voldemort are my top three favourite male characters in Harry Potter. If this seems like Voldy bashing, It's not. Not Exactly. 

The Random Death Eatress happened to stumble upon the room because the door was open, if you're asking why no one discovered it before. This wasn't supposed to make all that much sense anyway.

One thing you should know about me- I love crack pairings, crack fanfics and humor fanfics in general. If I'll write in this fandom anymore, it will all be either crack or just funny.


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